I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
