Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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