dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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