After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
