what day is it and did you see me today?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
