A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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