The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize