All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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