I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
