Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
