i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Boobs are out for the taking
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
