If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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