My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
