Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
