I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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