The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
