are you so shy because you have an std?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
