Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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