I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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