so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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