I saw his package. It spoke to me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
