My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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