Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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