I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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