My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
