Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
