i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
