I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
