I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
