There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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