I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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