end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
