I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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