Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize