we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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