Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
