When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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