i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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