This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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