then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I still have a little drunk in my system
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
