remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize