i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
