Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
