i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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