Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
