Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
