Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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