Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
