I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
