Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
