new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize