she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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