That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
