Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
