So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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