So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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