my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Randomize
