On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just high enough for therapy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
