I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
