My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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