Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
