I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
