Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize